2 years ago today the doctors thought they might need to do an emergency hysterectomy. i lost a lot of blood, was heavily medicated, scared for what else might happen and sad. i felt like i was living in a nightmare, and i was. having something that i loved so deeply taken away from me hurt like nothing i've ever done before. delivering our 4 pound baby boy was a spiritual experience. in looking back i wonder how i made it. and honestly i'm impressed with myself and my husband. we accepted what happened, prayed a lot, loved a lot and moved on. it wasn't easy and still isn't. i miss him. miss being pregnant. miss the idea of what our family was about to become. i miss having alex touch my belly. i miss knowing that i was about to become something so important, so sweet and so real. that my true calling in life was about to begin.
i appreciated every single person that came to see me in the hospital those 6 very longs days. for those that called, and prayed for me. for all those that brought meals and sent flowers, i love you. you really understand who your real friends are when you go through something so hard. and i feel so good knowing that i have some of the best people in my life that really do care about us. how special that is!
over these couple of years, people asked how i am, gave words of encouragement and listened. i love those who asked and were concerned. i know it is such a brave thing to do, and scary to ask someone about something so heartbreaking. but i appreciated those who did. since then i have had so many sweet girls who have come out to me and shared their very personal stories. i am so sorry and saddened to hear similar things have happened to so many. i feel for you. emily you are a true inspiration to me!
i've learned a lot, grown so much and feel so close to my husband. we really are one. i am grateful that he has been my solid foundation through it all. always offering a kind word or reminder that i am a wonderful mom and that he wouldn't want anyone else to be the mother of his children. he tells me i am beautiful and that he is grateful for my strength. such a blessing he is to me. i am in love with the man he is today, the provider and loving support he is to me.
above all i am most thankful for the Gospel. i know that my Heavenly Father loves me. i know that our sweet baby is safe in his arms. i am forever grateful for temples and feel so comforted knowing that our family is for time and all eternity. it get's me through each day. i feel Peyton with me everyday as well. i love him so much that it hurts. but i know that there is a plan for us and that it all happens for a reason. i encourage all of you to love your babies with as much love as you can possibly give. i am happy for you. i hope to be a mom someday and am grateful for the experience i had.
2012 is going to be a good year, we've been blessed with so much already. i owe it to him.
mom and dad love you Peyton.
thanks for being there!
14 comments:
This brought me to tears, you are amazing!! SO proud of you and you have been such a blessing to me! Thank you. You two are the greatest and Peyton is SO lucky to have you both, he loves you!! I'm totally convinced he is playing with crew and keeping him company too :) love you and this will be a great year!! :)
Danielle -
I still cry when I think about this day 2 years ago. I remember when Shonagh called me on the way to the hospital to tell us what was going on with you guys. I just sat on the floor holding Aria and cried with her for a while before I could even call Drew to tell him.
You've been such an inspiration on how to handle things properly. You've definitely come through such a terrible experience with your positive outlook on life still intact. It didn't ruin you - it made you better. I love that about you.
People ask me all the time how you are too. All of my family asks about you and updates on how you are. Many of my friends - like all of the girls night girls too! And Aria's birth family ask about you each time I see them. So many people with love and concern for you guys!
Love ya tons. Been thinking about you a lot today - especially after our texting last night. Thank you for that!
i know you dont know me, and i cant remember if i have commented or not on your blog but this was seriously amazing and i read about when you lost peyton and cried, you two are incredible
Ok I am sitting here crying as I read this. Danielle you are seriously amazing and Peyton is so blessed to have you and Alex as his parents. When my mom passed away someone gave me a sign that says "There's a little bit of heaven in our home because someone we love is in heaven." I know Peyton is with you guys all the time and I can guarantee he is bringing a special feeling of love into your lives.
I feel so blessed to have you as a dear friend and I hope you know I am always here for you if you need anything! Love you girl.
Danielle you and Alex are amazing...you are such an inspiration to all of us. I look up to you and Emily SO much...I don't know how you two are so amazing! I just love you both so much. And can't wait to see you guys hold your darling baby boys together someday! :)
Losing a daughter through adoption is hard, but this is worse.
What an experience...I seriously can't imagine what you had to go through. Thanks for staying postive and for you example. You'll be an excellent mom when the time comes!!
I totally cried reading this. You are such an amazing example of being strong and positive. You're little family (and future little babies) are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Love and miss you!
wow... I cant express to you the heartache and complete admiration I feel for you. You are an amazing mother! I am grateful you shared your emotions in the moment and now. You never forget them. They are always your children. Everyday I know must be hard to see little kids and somehow feel okay with how your little family started. Just keep in mind God has a plan for you. He knows how amazing and strong you both are. He knew you would be special enough to understand why he needed him. Peyton is a special spirit. A strong and amazing little boy who heavenly father has great plans for. Thank you for your sweet words. I enjoy reading them, and think about you and Em a lot. You are both such strong women!!! I admire you.
You are such a beautiful person. Thank you for sharing this. You and Alex are amazing and an inspiration to everyone.
Words can't say how much I admire your faith and the mother you are Danielle. You really are the greatest example of strength as you have handled a devestating situation with such grace. Peyton and all your future children are so lucky to have such amazing parents, you and Alex both. Your family is beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
So you don't know me and this might be kind of weird but thank you for writing such an inspiring post. My husband and I have been struggling with losing a couple pregnancies and I was in need of a positive outlook on how much this struggle really does strengthen your marriage and testimony of the gospel. So thank you so much for helping me see that tonight. You are darling and I really hope you guys have good news soon.
PS the most random thing about me seeing this post is that I am pretty sure I knew your husband (briefly) as a freshman at USU. I think my roommate cut his hair......Small world :)
oh Danielle, you are amazing. I love this and I love you and Peyton so much! You are a huge example to me in all things, but mostly as a mother. You're love for your baby is unmatched and i love that about you.
Well that was a good cry! *sigh* You two are so amazing! You truly never cease to amaze me! Thank you for sharing your story and your incredible testimony! Peyton is soo blessed to have such incredible parents with such a beautiful unconditional love for him and for the Lord. Thank you for your incredible examples! Your story always always makes me cry and fills my heart with sooo many emotions. I love you Danielle! :) We love you all! xoxo Happy Birthday Peyton!
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